I’ve been late to work the past few days (okay, fine… later than usual) because it has been a struggle to decide what to wear. You see, I have really big nipples.
You’re probably confused and wondering why the hell my giant nips keep me from getting dressed but hear me out!
I have gained some weight this past year. Like, a lot of weight, really. And there’s this weird thing that happens when you gain weight where you get bigger and your clothes that once fit you, no longer fit you. Strange, right? Anyways, I have been busting out of my bras. No, not spilling out–these girls are still a classy, 6th-grade A cup. Nope, I am busting out the sides with my weird rib fat. So halfway through the day my back hurts and my ribs hurt and my head hurts and I sneak into the bathroom and rip off that over-the-shoulder-pebble-holder (that’s what it’s called, right?) and revel in the sweet freedom.
I suffered through a few days of that before deciding I must cave and spend money on a new bra. A new bra that probably won’t fit because they don’t make size 38 bands in an A cup. Because they assume no one can be that wide and have such teeny, tiny tit-tays (titties). Well sorry bout it, fashion world, but no matter how hard I will it, these girls will simply not grow.
**If you are a man reading this and do not understand the whole band and cup thing, google it. Someone somewhere will appreciate you for it.**
So I stand in my closet and try on shirt after shirt to figure out if you can see my giant nipples. I move into different light sources to be sure that even if you can tell I don’t have a bra on (due to the pointy nature of my chest), that you can’t actually see the areola through the shirt. I put on at least 5 different shirts this morning.
Sweaters are ideal because they’re thick which means I can hide the girth and height (height?) of my nips. It also usually means you can’t see through the material (unless the sweater is white and then all bets are off). I only have so many sweaters though!
So really, it’s not even my fault that I’ve been late.