I haven’t had an especially angsty post in some time, so this is a list of things you don’t say to a married person to whom you are not married. Warning: this is going to get explicit. Very, very explicit. If you do not want to read a bunch of curse words, then I do not suggest opening this post or reading any further.
- I feel guilty
- I think about you constantly
- I get out of bed with my girlfriend because I can’t stand it
- I love you
- I should have done more
- You needed a wife…I’m at that stage now
- I wish I could make you feel my love
- I will love you until the day I die
- A part of me will forever reside with you
If you say any of that shit to someone who is in a deeply committed relationship, then you are an awful human being. If someone were to say these things to my wife, well, I would feel very sorry for that person. Because you have to be incredibly selfish to say these things. To attempt to insert yourself in such a way….woof. I can actually relate this to my job. Get ready for this connection!
I work for a nonprofit in fundraising (or devo as the cool kids call it …just kidding. No they don’t) which means I regularly ask people to give me their money. Well, not me, but you get it. And one important thing that you learn in this field of work is to make everything about the donor. Anytime you send a letter, you should rarely see “I” or “we” statements. Everything should be, “you made it possible for us to…”, “you have been a champion for [insert business name here]”, “your support over the years allowed us to…” You will notice that the bullet points above contain a shit ton of “I” statements. That is a sign of pure selfishness.
Now I realize this doesn’t always translate across all realms of communication. In a healthy, working relationship, when an issue arises, a person should use “I” statements. This is done so that it doesn’t seem like you are attacking your partner. It’s an excellent practice and if you aren’t familiar, google it ASAP because it will make you feel like such a good human. “I” statements are used for negative type conversations. But usually when you’re trying to say something seemingly positive, you make “you” statements. Because this builds up the person on the receiving end. But if you’re a selfish twat, you make “I” statements. And if you send emails to a married woman professing your love, you are really, really a selfish twat.
AND if you are going to send a message of such magnitude, fucking spell check! God damnit. I am giving people tips on how to be selfish now. (Also, real chance that this post is in fact not spell checked very well BUT I have an excuse because wine.) But seriously! And if you send a fucking email from your phone, delete that “sent from iPhone” shit. Because guess what?! You can! Or just don’t ever send it. That’s the best option. Save it to your drafts and read it over and over while you sob like a normal human being. Send it to a friend if you have to. But jesus christ do not send it to the person you intended to send it to. People will just get this image of you with crazy eyes, flipping through a phone book in search of an address, driving hundreds of miles, foregoing food for days and acting absolutely manic.
Also if you are thinking of someone else so strongly, fucking break up with your significant other. It’s the right thing to do. Put on your adult panties and deal with your shit. And go get yourself a therapist because clearly your life is crumbling around you.
*I originally published this with a tad more vulgarity but felt too guilty. So I did in fact retroactively censor myself.
This also feels like one of those posts that shouldn’t end with a food-rhyming sign off sooooo that’s all, see ya later, bye.
P.S. If you ever feel strongly enough about egging your significant other’s ex’s car, you should totally do it. Because one day you might move away and regret never having done it. This is your permission. Make it happen!
P.P.S. This post is a result of a lack of food and too much red wine. Please don’t judge me too much.