We Poppin’ Champagne Like We Won a Championship Game

It is awfully fun to be rich. I mean, I wouldn’t know, but I can certainly imagine. I am very good at thinking about all the things I could do with my beaucoup cash (also I just googled how to properly use “beaucoup” in a sentence…not quite what I thought. Especially considering it’s a French word that English people just took for themselves and slanged it right up. Fucking Americans).

Take this weekend for example. Stephanie and I have had a very fancy weekend without spending too much money. And now I will tell you about it. 

Remember a while back when I mentioned that I won a contest* (ok, I’m going to be honest: I can’t recall if I actually mentioned this previously. And I feel much too lazy to go back through my posts and check. I think this makes me a poor blogger. Whoops). As a refresher, I won a radio contest that gave Steph and I a night’s stay at the Grove Park Inn + breakfast. We decided to make a whole thing of and a book a service at the Spa. If you feel like checking out the site you should check out the spa prices. If not, I’ll go ahead and tell you that they cost a fuck ton of money. We settled on a manicure for each of us as it was the cheapest option on the menu. When booking our night’s stay I told them all I needed was for it to be a Saturday. Well, this Saturday the 15th was that day!

Stephy and I woke up bright and early (for me, that is) and headed up to Asheville. We arrived on the property and agreed to pay the $22 to have the valet take our car because YOLO, right? We proceeded to walk the 4,000 steps to the spa.** Very Stairway to Heaven esque (the place, not the song). Thank goodness we spent the next seven hours treating ourselves. Once inside we were asked if we were celebrating anything and of course we felt like “our one-year anniversary” was an appropriate response. We settled into our robes in the fireside lounge while we waited for our nail ladies (they had better, more official titles than this). They had a small table with apples, chopped nuts and healthy tea. I was feeling really into the whole experience and thought this would be a good time to snack on the complimentary (or $120, depending how you look at it) nuts. I carried the cup back to my obnoxiously squeaky leather chair and popped a peanut in my mouth. I looked down at the selection and remembered I really fucking hate nuts and no spa, no matter how fancy, is going to change that for me.

IMG_9434The ladies came for us separately and escorted us to the nail room. A manicure at Grove Park includes a glass of champagne–at 9:45am on a Saturday, I am really starting my weekend off right. Now I don’t know if it’s because we said we were celebrating our anniversary (because I saw a ton of women with one) but we were each gifted a beautiful, long-stemmed red rose. I picked out a fun magenta-y color and Steph got a deep purple, almost black shade. The best part? We got to keep the nail polish! This is now the most expensive bottle of nail polish I own and I can obviously never use it again. The manicure itself was quite nice — paraffin, hot stone massage, warm neck wraps (I guess that’s not actually part of the manicure…still nice though!). At the end, we were each given a box of chocolates. This place gets me.

After the manicure, we grabbed our books and headed out to really take advantage of the amenities*** on the property. We lounged by the outdoor pool and ate lunch and drank Bloody Marys and then moved ourselves to the indoor pools. Of course not before I got really, horribly sunburnt because I’m 26 and still can’t get it through my head that Sun equals sunscreen. Also there’s something about April and Springtime that makes me believe that sunburns aren’t possible yet. Unfortunately the current state of my skin is able to disprove that. We found a pair of lounge chairs tucked back into the darkness of the lagoon-looking room and marked them as ours. This area of the spa has an 84 degree mineral pool and an 86 degree mineral pool (Steph swears by these numbers, you wouldn’t think two degrees would make a difference but boy does it), both of which play music underwater. There are also two therapeutic waterfall hot tubs that feel awesome on the back and shoulders. Inside the women’s only area there was another hot tub with a 64 degree dunk tub attached. This was fun and awful at the same time. A typical steam room and sauna, but also a room outside the sauna that was considerably less hot and infused with eucalyptus essential oil.

We really did spend a full seven hours at this place, eating and napping and swimming and reading. Steph brought me an apple and another nut cup later in the day. This nut cup was filled with little chocolate bits so I ate all of those and handed my filthy nuts back to my wife. She loves me. We walked the ten thousand steps back up to the hotel and checked in. Our new best friend Charlie was there to greet us and again asked if we were celebrating anything and again we responded accordingly. Charlie asked where we would be dining in the evening and I giggled and said, “um, in our room?” We made this decision in part because we poor but also because it’s our “anniversary,” remember? Charlie told us our room, the free one that we were paying zero dollars for, had been upgraded to a Junior Suite. Charlie is good people.

We ordered pizza aIMG_9435nd wings from a downtown Asheville spot for delivery and at 7:30pm a bottle of champagne and a personalized card were delivered to our room.  We had a picnic on the floor with the fancy champagne and our cheap, boxed wine whilst
IMG_9436watching The Devil Wears Prada (this is actually not the first time we’ve had a picnic on the floor while watching this exact film). My body was red and hot and covered in wing sauce and I was hunched over the boxes literally shoving food into my mouth and nothing about me was classy and I loved it. We got into our robes, moved to the bed that I am certain is made of clouds from the heavens and proceeded to watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days followed by a large chunk of Friends with Benefits. All that sun and booze and zen-ness put us right to sleep.

For the next few days I am house-stting at a cottage that seriously looks like it was plucked right out of the French Countryside (not sure if that should be capitalized but it certainly feels appropriate). Perhaps I will work on describing it in my next post, pictures certainly will not do it justice.


Au revoir, steak tartar!

*I just spent a solid 30 minutes trying to figure out how to create subscripts and superscripts in WordPress….I came up with nothing
**this is obviously incredibly hyperbolic
***I feel fancy af when I use this word


found my old Weezy CDs from high school soooooo…..


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