Will Someone Do the Math?

It’s been a long time since I’ve done this but it feels like time. We’re 29 days away from the wedding and things are getting so real. I remember when we were a full nine months away and not even talking about plans and honestly that feels like yesterday. The big day is right around the corner and so much has happened since my last post.

August (literally the entire month)

August was the month of Pawley’s Island and wedding dress alterations. (holy shit it has been so long since I’ve written.) I think August gives some insight into why I have been MIA. It all started around the time of my birthday (end of July, for those that forgot the most important day of the year. shame on you by the way). I have dealt with anxiety most of my life. When I was around 11 or 12, I would have panic attacks nightly and couldn’t sleep alone. I wound up on my parents floor almost every night. I’ve never had great coping mechanisms and have struggled with quite a few unhealthy outlets. But college and the time after found many years of calm. I was really only feeling panicked in small spaces, and I mean, who doesn’t? I was also always able to calm myself down. Until this summer. The panic attacks found their way back into my life and this time I was not able to pin point what exactly was causing them. Things I never had issue with were suddenly causing me to flip out. On the drive up the mountains for my birthday I threw up (I never get car sick). During the hike we took the next day I started to panic at the top (I have always loved hiking). On the drive back I found myself sobbing, too scared to drive for fear that I would get sick again. I wasn’t sleeping through the night, ever. I would wake up constantly with thoughts that something was wrong with my heart. The chest pain was unbearable. And I couldn’t talk myself down. I called eleven psychiatrists before I found someone who could take me, and the first available appointment was a month and a half from when I called. If you want to get me on a soap box, get me going about mental health. Shiiiiiittttt. I could talk all day. But anyways, I decide to call my primary doc. She and I are basically besties at this point because for a year and a half she saw me every two months for my thyroid. This is not totally relevant to the story but I do want to share my rage with you all. I made that appointment with her on a Friday. ON A FRIDAY I TELL YOU! I put it in my phone calendar, wrote it on my desk calendar, texted it to Steph…I was so fucking confident about this stupid Friday appointment. Well I drag my ass out of bed, so excited to be given magic pills so I can get my life back in order, and I get there and they tell me my appointment was Wednesday. The Wednesday before! The Wednesday I was out of town on a beach trip! WEDNESDAY!!?! So I did what anyone would do and I cried in the waiting room and sassed the staff for screwing up my appointment because there’s no way I would have scheduled an appointment on a day when I knew I would be out of town. So she rescheduled me for the following Monday and I went and treated myself to a sad bagel. The following Sunday was my dress alterations appointment. At this point it has been about six months since I’ve put that bad boy on and I am so freakin’ excited. And nervous, as it turns out. Because I was awake until 5 am throwing up and flipping out about my chest pains. So if you’re wondering if the alterations went well, let me tell you it did not. The dress was too tight, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was too dizzy, I’m sure I was locking my knees…anyways, I made them get me out of the dress and I left, unfinished, in tears. That was a rough weekend. So I made an appointment to try again the following Sunday. And that next day, Monday, I got my happy pills. I made it through the appointment! (And I looked like a muhfucking boss…sorry for the explicit expletives, but trust me when I say it was necessary. You’ll see in a few weeks.) I also happen to be picking up the finished product today so that’s hella exciting. And to update you, I have now been on the meds for 5 weeks and I’m doing considerably better. We’ve still hit some bumps (i.e. my bachelorette weekend…I threw up a ton and no, not from alcohol) but I’m not waking up with severe chest pain anymore so I see that as a win.

Labor Day Weekend

We took Lena-in-law (I just like the alliteration. Her name is Lena…well actually it’s Lori..and she’s Stephanie’s aunt) to Salisbury to check out the lay of the land and get a feel for what the set up would look like. Lena and her Tami-in-law are helping us out immensely with decorations. Immensely. (I said it again and then bolded it to really get my point across.) They are like tiny, sparkly, spray-painted angels and I cannot wait to see everything come together.

The Weekend after Labor Day

We traveled to Greenville, SC wayyyy too early in the morning, dressed up and everything, so that as soon as we stepped out of the three-hour car trip we could be at the wonderful shower that Lena and Janice threw us. The theme was recipes so everyone shared a family recipe or two and a kitchen item to go with it. Which means I was sitting there like a very happy future wife thinking about all the cooking I will have done for me. Yes you read that right, I am just as sexist as every other husband out there in that I fully expect my wife to cook for me….because I don’t know how. P.S. did you all know that a “ricer” is for potatoes? What idiot named it a ricer?!

Last Weekend

Last weekend Steph and I had our respective bachelorette parties: she stayed on the beach, I stayed in a cottage at the county park. All of our best friends were in town and although I didn’t see most of what she did, I know I can speak for us both when I say we had a bangin’ time. And my Mistress of the Robes threw us the most brilliant Harry Potter themed bridal shower I have ever seen. She is like sunshine and I am so incredibly impressed by her. Of course that’s really all I can say about that weekend because it was a bit like Vegas.


The other day we met with our officiant to start planning out the ceremony. It’s beautiful and represents us so well and I’m going to ugly cry in front of 100 people and it will be perfect. We nixed our original guest gift idea (sorry, not sorry) and now need to order plastic wine cups. Although I really wish we could hand out those individual mini wine boxes. Like big kid juice boxes. Can you picture it? So cute. I created a “Casual Wedding Attire” pinterest board so that I can stop explaining with words what people should wear. Because I don’t really know if “a fall version of a sun dress” translates the way I mean it to. Steph has also said she does not wish to see anyone’s toes. Which is awkward because I will most certainly be wearing toe baring sandals. And there is no guarantee that my toes will be recently shaved as I often tend to forget (was that too much? Oh well, too late).

Random Bullet Points (just to change-up the format for funsies)

  • I got our table linens fo free. Because I’m awesome
  • We booked our minimoon! More on that later but the important part is that it’s officially official.
  • We have decided to nix the hay bales. Everyone will be carrying a chair. Everyone except me and my beautiful bride. Muahahaha.
  • We have a bus to transport guests from one of the hotels to the farm. It used to be that there was only one time to ride it to and from. But noowwwww we have it all night and you can hop on more or less whenever you want.
  • We ordered our bridal bouquets off Etsy. Stephy paid for them and everything. And then the damn shop closed down and this woman is MIA and the money is just floating in space. So we’re dealing with that chargeback and I am working on procuring new flowers.
  • My Grandad’s tumor has spread through his brain. If the current treatment doesn’t work he’s expected to make it to the end of October or possibly November.  (I’m just gonna wedge this in right here so we can gloss over it)
  • I booked the port-a-potties! Get excited wedding guests. You’re going to have a shit ton of fun (I don’t usually make bathroom jokes, I don’t care for them, but this just seemed too perfect)
  • Tatiana Maslany won an Emmy. And if you don’t know who she is, watch Orphan Black, right now.
  • Steph and I have become obsessed with a podcast titled My Favorite Murder. If you hate sleep, you should totally listen, because you won’t ever again. You’ll also never hitch hike. For the first time or again. I am also obsessed with Jon Benet and am watching the CBS special. Feel free to reach out to me if you are too.
  • Steph and I fly to Ohio in a week for a wedding she’s in. Cleveland here we come!

I think that’s enough to lay down for now. The next few weeks will be a whirlwind. Fingers crossed it’s not another two months before I write again.

Miss you lots, apple sauce!



2 thoughts on “Will Someone Do the Math?

  1. You have been so much on my mind!!! This post could not have come at a better time. Yay (finally) for the happy pills. Yay for deciding to go to the shower- see-ricers-and shit!
    Michelle, you sound so much better and that makes me fabulously happy! Tell Steph she’s gonna have to get over the bare toes thing, though. Girl, this is the South!


  2. Lena Cash...aka Lori...Lolo September 24, 2016 — 9:54 pm

    Tiny, sparkly spray painted angels.
    I’ll take that.


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