I have some serious wedding planning ADD. I’ll go two or three weeks not saying or thinking a single thing about it and then suddenly I find all this pent up motivation to plan the shit out of everything. This week I made a spreadsheet with different tabs to breakdown all the various details. I looked at 8 different hotels/spas and laid out the pros and cons of each one. I compared prices for table rentals at 3 different companies. I researched and contacted 4 separate DJs. It’s like I was taking uppers. But without all the shitty side effects (I’ve never actually taken uppers, I just assume there must be side effects). I also can’t do just one thing at a time. I’ll look at tables and somehow be reminded of lights which will lead me to spa packages and before I know it I’m researching who has the best bounce castle prices in Salisbury. Allen the same breath because I have 5 internet browser tabs open at once and I flip through each as the other ones load. It’s a sickness. Anyways, that’s how last week went. I have now crashed and hate everything wedding yet again. Except my bride. Still love her. She great.
While I was spiraling I received an email from our caterer (you know, the one I paid a deposit for before ever trying the food) informing me that the food truck would not be able to make it up the driveway to the reception location. I wish I could take you all on a virtual tour of this drive. Yes, it is unpaved. Yes, there is a slight sharp turn. And yes, there is a hill. But the damn UPS man can make it up there. People are acting like it’s fucking Kilimanjaro (large mountain, yes?). We at one point were going to hire a trolley but they were a disappointment as well and said they too could not make it up the treacherous climb. Pussies. (I just texted Steph to ask if this use of the word “pussy” is crossing a line. She gave me permission so you can’t be upset with me about it.) I got this news and immediately went into panic mode. Actually, that’s not true, I felt pretty calm about the whole situation. I had an AWESOME back up plan. Do you want to read about it? Of course you do. You want to sit on your couch or in your cozy recliner and think, “bless her heart.” Which is southern for, “I’m too polite (read: bitchy) to call you a fucking idiot.” I digress… So the farm has a pond. And ponds have fish. And my therapist told me about a wedding she went to where everyone picked flowers after the ceremony and used them for center pieces. So I figure everyone likes interactive stuff, right? Why not buy a bunch of catfish for the pond and supply all the guests with poles to catch their dinner! The more I tell people this idea, the more I love it. The brides will obviously be eating chipotle while this is going on because we’ve had enough interaction. But we will thoroughly enjoy watching the attendees gut their fishies. Just don’t name those bad boys (or girls? Gender neutral probably?), that’s how you get attached.
Side note: Chipotle makes these awesome gay pride pins. They say “homo estas” and you pick either the “I eat tacos” pin or the “I eat burritos” pin. I reallllyyyy want one of these. So if anyone has connections, holla at yo gurl. I promise to wear it at the wedding.
Things that have happened in the past ten days: my Maid of Honour, Lord Chamberlain and his twin (he needs a title also, brainstorming on this now) came to town. We spent the first night at Charleston’s only gay club, Pantheon. I got my dance on. And then thought I was having an epileptic seizure whilst tripping acid. I know what neither of these feels like but I can only imagine that it’s the same as dancing under strobe lights after you’ve had a few too many drinks. It surprises me now as an adult that has panic attacks in environments with poor lighting that I used to have spotlight dance solos where I would force my parents to turn off the living room lights and sit on the couch waving flashlights around the living room as I danced to Madonna’s Don’t Cry For Me Argentina from the classic Evita. Specifically the Miami Mix because duh. There was a scarf and everything. It really was an astounding performance, full of drama and emotion. Actually, please take a moment to listen so you can envision the spectacle.
Are you done? It’s ok if not. It makes an excellent background track for reading. Shoot. I’m getting ideas about the reception now…do I hear first dance song?
Following Pantheon was a lovely hangover spent at the Wine + Food Festival with the aunties-in-law (we did decide this is a thing, right?). I was given an entire container of hummus so all-in-all I would say the event was a smashing success. Thursday we had our fancy cocktail reception for the opening night of our current show and that was a brilliant hit as well, if I do say so myself (and I do). And today Steph and I ventured over the Ravenel bridge using our feet and promptly rewarded ourselves with a couple of beers at a local brewery. Tomorrow, we beach. Tonight, I eat pizza, chocolate covered banana bites and a mint chocolate chip milkshake. And maybe some cool ranch Doritos. And possibly sour cream and onion Pringles? I have a full two weeks until my period starts and the cravings are bad now… Oh yea, the healthy eating challenge is going swimmingly by the way.
Ok. That’s enough for this rockin’ Saturday night. 10:30pm calls for an ice cream run.
Gotta dip, potato chip!
P.s. Check out our wedding website here: https://www.theknot.com/us/michelle-miller-and-stephanie-haney-oct-2016