The following timeline specifically chronicles January 27th (but is also true for all the other days):
6:48 am – Stephanie’s alarm goes off and she, like the good morning person she is, gets out of bed and gets ready. Max is in his bed. I am in ours. We are both snoring and looking awfully cute. Steph is getting my lunch together on the counter. She can’t leave it in the fridge because otherwise I will leave for work without it. I am, what some people like to call, an invalid.
7:07 am – Stephanie leaves the house.
such weird and specific times she sets her alarm at
7:35 am – My alarm goes off (this is actually only true for School Show days, which happens to be every day this week). I wake up just enough to think, “I could use ten more minutes. Press the snooze button, Michelle.” I press the snooze button.
7:44 am – My alarm goes off. I am angry because half-sleep me wanted 10 minutes. Not 9. I cancel this alarm because it was stupid anyways.
7:45 am – My usual alarm goes off. I don’t have my contacts in or glasses on so I can’t actually see but I can tell Max is giving me some serious side eye from his bed, annoyed that I have disturbed his peaceful slumber. What a little bitch. I unlock my phone, check my email, the weather and facebook (this is an excuse to stay in bed longer). Then I decide to text Steph and ask her what I should wear. Usually I have an outfit in mind but obviously I can’t get up until she responds, what if her idea is better? (this is also an excuse to stay in bed longer. Justifying my actions, obviously.)
7:58am-8:02 am – I get out of bed. [Note: On a normal day I am out of bed at approximately 8:20. I like sleep. Can you tell?] I get ready in the bathroom, return to the bedroom and get dressed. Max keeps one eye open while I’m in the room. The moment he sees me pull shoes out of the closet, regardless of whether or not I have anything else on, he is out of his bed and ready to go outside! Like seriously ready. Like ten cups of coffee ready. Like, iloveyouimissedyouwhileiwassleepinghurryuppleasepetmeyou’remyfavorite kind of ready. We mosey over to the kitchen and fill up his food bowl. I don’t think he actually appreciates this because all he wants to do is get outside but I like the idea of him rushing back for food. Plus it’s fun to make him wait. We go outside. I grab my lunch off the counter, place it neatly in my purse and head to the bathroom to contemplate my face and hairs. If I’ve fallen asleep with my makeup like I usually do (one of my New Year’s resolutions is to work on this) then I only need to touch up my eyeliner slightly and add an extra coat of mascara. If I’m feeling particularly fancy that day I might even add blush. And if I’m feeling extra crazy (or if I haven’t showered in a few days….actually, it’s just lack of showering…) then I throw on some perfume. I flip my hair side to side and convince myself it looks “beachy.” Which is to say, I haven’t brushed it in a few weeks. I try to dress nicer to make up for my physical appearance. I’m not sure that it actually helps.
8:25 am (ok. it’s more like 8:30. whatever) – “I love you Max. Have a good day.” Pet his nose so that he really knows I love him. Walk out the door. “I love you buddy!” Lock door. Yell through door, “get off the fucking couch! ….I love you.”
8:50am – Park in garage and walk to the theatre.
9:02am – Check email, grab seating charts and head downstairs to greet the little people and their handlers (read: teachers).
9:15am – The little people arrive and tell me they love my hair, and my dress, oh and also that I’m beautiful. I am thinking that the hair flipping and the blush really paid off. Oh and also I have found my squad. I overhear one child say, to no one in particular, “this place is so fancy. I wish my mom would straighten up our house to look like this.” #firstworldproblems I run around between the lobby, the theatre and my desk.
1:00pm – I am back at my cube for the rest of the day.
5:10pm – I leave work, head to the garage and drive home.
5:35pm – I walk in, pet Max’s nose (so that he knows I love him, remember?), drop my shit on the couch and find Steph in the kitchen finishing up dinner. Every damn day. Because she loves me and I have no idea why. I mean, she loves cooking, but also me. I am confused though because only a few hours ago she had texted me and asked if it was still up for making dinner. She explains she is working on the enchiladas for the next night. What the hell. Who works that hard?!
6:15pm – I head to the kitchen to start dinner. First I need to send a couple of texts. And then I need to respond. And then I should check on Chef World to see if we have the Mexican Chef. It’s too quiet….I need music! I realize I’m thirsty so I must pour some tea. Oh, there’s the meat…I guess I should grab it. “Steph! This is the meat I’m supposed to use, right?” [Note: It is the only ground beef in the fridge, thus further solidifying my role as the house invalid] Throw meat on the pan, make a phone call. Forget about meat because I got distracted by the phone. Shit. It’s ok. It’s not burnt. I didn’t burn it. Open the can. (You’re dying to know what I’m making, aren’t you?) Is the meat ready? Oh it is. Grab the colander and strain the meat. Fuck! Meat juice can’t go down the sink. Meat juice? Gross. Throw meat back on pan. I hate this song. Eh, I don’t like this one either. Oh! Chef World! The meat is sizzling because I forgot to turn the heat down. Dump sauce on meat while noticing the rolls on the table. “Steph! Do you want your roll toasted?” Please say no, please say no. “Yes, please!” Ugh. She said please. Could she be any nicer?! “So….I just put them in the oven and turn on the broiler, right? I don’t need a pan or anything?” “Yes but you need to keep an eye on them! They’ll burn quickly. beat. Actually, just keep the oven door cracked and watch them the whole time.” I do exactly as she says for I am an excellent listener.
7:10pm – Sloppy Joes are served. (Please notice that time).
7:30pm – Steph reads, I file taxes (single for the last time), we finish up our bridesmaid gifts, we go to the store and buy a swiffer. I swiffer dry the living room and swiffer wet the kitchen and I haven’t been that happy in days.
10:00pm – Steph heads to bed. I lock up, pick up the living room [read: Max’s toys], clean dishes and counter tops, turn off the lights, switch the laundry over, find dirt on the bathroom floor, clean the mirror, remember a sock in the living room, fold laundry, swap the candles around in case this way looks better, head back to the kitchen to check Max’s water bowl, fix the trash can lid, head to bed and lie awake for at least 40 minutes before I finally fall asleep.
There’s wine in there somewhere also. And tv watching as we lounge on the couch. And Max’s nightly walks (usually there are two of these and Steph does them…do I contribute anything to this relationship?) And back scratches. I give back scratches. Whew, finally. My redeeming quality.